When January 1, 2010 rolled in I think I dreaded it more than anything. Like oh great, this is that time of year when I’m supposed to re-write my life, set landmark goals, blog more, resign myself to cook more, make all my dreams come true and oh yeah, get my lazy butt back to the gym. In my former life as the ultimate go-getter I would have wall size posters drawn up, ready and waiting for me to conquer the world. But this year was different.
We had the good fortune of celebrating New Year’s Eve with our good friends Jasmine and JD in the beautiful city of Queenstown, New Zealand. As we all sat around the table reciting our New Year’s goals for 2010 I felt my hands start to sweat. I was hoping that somehow they would skip over me. That somehow I could blend into the back of the chair so as to disappear altogether. Can I just say it again? It’s been a long year.
It’s been a year of shock, pain, change, courage, fear, tears, hope, regret, struggle, perseverance, endurance and faith. It’s been a year of learning for me. And the truth is that it’s completely re-arranged me and turned me on my head. My faith in Jesus was strong before David was diagnosed with brain cancer, but being faced with hardship has only intensified and deepened my love and pursuit of God. My whole life has been hi-jacked by my faith in Him. I’m really, truly discovering that every longing and wish my heart ever made has all in a sense just been a reflection of my longing for Jesus… I just didn’t know it. I didn’t know it was all found in Him.
Back to the dinner table when all eyes turned on me to hear my New Year’s goals. I felt the exhaustion from the past year down to my very bones. I felt my secret fears of inadequacy creeping up on me, that I should be achieving. Performing. But there is no performance left within me. I wondered if I should just make something up that sounded palatable, like learning to knit a sweater or something, you know, for polite table talk. Something, anything to keep me from opening the can of worms that would make me start bawling my eyes out at the table. But I knew that making something up would be an utter betrayal of all that is in my heart, just like getting on here and blogging like all I care about is photography would be totally inauthentic and therefore offend my sense of self.
So as I sat in the silent moment of choice, I could not deny the Divine burning in my soul, bubbling up within me like word vomit. The desire to speak of Him was so strong it took my breath away. Through trembling and tears I managed to stutter to my husband and friends that I don’t really have a lot of goals for this year. There is one thing I want so badly though. I simply want to be wrecked by God’s love for me. I want to be so undone that I can never be put back together. I want the Holy Spirit to so utterly consume me that my every breath is to bring glory to God. I want to be so intimate with Jesus that I am like a light shining in the darkness, pointing the way to the most beautiful, wonderful truth you can ever experience. I am a woman consumed by passion to know the living God. I can hardly think of other things sometimes. His love is changing me. Rescuing me. Healing me. I am not the same as I was, and I can never go back. I have found everything I was ever looking for. He’s so beautiful. He’s saving me. And I adore Him so much that I just cannot stay silent. So if there was ever a New Year’s resolution for me this year it would be to unify my voice. To speak my heart no matter what the cost.