Needing Him
Throughout my life I’ve never really had a problem asking God for extravagant things. I don’t know why. I guess I’ve just always believed that He would hear me and somehow answer me.
As a child I viewed God as a benevolent parent who knew how to make things happen, but in hind sight it’s apparent that I also believed God was my friendly neighborhood insurance agent. Nightly bedtime prayers resembled a detailed life/home/natural disaster/personal harm insurance policy complete with His divine protection from tornadoes, earthquakes, floods and hurricanes. I also requested that no burglars break in, that I wouldn’t be kidnapped and that our house wouldn’t burn down while were sleeping. In addition, I prayed that no one I loved would get sick and die and that my Grandpa’s diabetes would go away. Satisfied that I had forethought of every imaginable potential disaster and had asked God (aka my insurance agent) to protect us, I considered it safe enough to sleep. Those were the things I worried about when I was five. Welcome to my life.
Truthfully, God has answered some pretty crazy prayers throughout my lifetime, both petty and important. But even if He never answered I don’t think I could stop asking. Needing Him is woven into the very fabric of my being. I need Him sometimes just to get out of bed. I still need him to protect me, to provide for me, to teach me. On the outside I may have the appearance of a capable adult, but don’t be fooled! On the inside I’m still like a five year old girl who needs His help in every possible way. I may try to control my life and everything about it, but at the end of the day I sit down on the couch and am reminded that in reality we all have about as much control as a person strapped into a roller coaster ride. The ups and downs are going to come. Believe me, they come. And when they do, who is there for you? I mean, who is really there for you? Deep down I know that God is the only one who can save me. People out there might question my blind faith and see it as infantile, absurd or naive. I don’t care. I don’t care because Jesus is my only hope. Without him I am completely screwed. At the end of the day, He is all I really have. I don’t know how to NOT need Him. He is the search I am on. He is my life and breath. My past and my future.
When I close my eyes and pray that David’s ridiculously massive brain tumor will be healed it doesn’t really seem that absurd to me. I mean, if I’ve spent the majority of my life praying that natural disaster won’t reek havoc on my life, how is this any different? I’m used to asking God for big and sometimes strange things. Throughout this process admittedly there are times when I feel resignation sneaking up on me. A feeling that if I can get comfortable with the idea of david dying then it won’t hurt so much if and when it happens. That feeling stays around for a week or so before I decide that it’s malarkey and toss it out the window. And I begin again. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, channel my inner five year old and tell God that I want my husband. And I want him whole. Not ravaged by the damages of chemo and radiation. Not sickly or impaired. Whole. I want him for my lifetime. And I want him whole.
Then I can see it so clearly - the random time when we go in for his routine MRI the tumor is suddenly & completely gone. It’s GONE. The MRI is clean, and the doctors don’t know why. But we know why. I can feel the smile spreading across my face. I visualize david and I turning to look at each other. I see the lights in our eyes. The joy filling us. I feel the miraculous power of God emanating. The tears stream down my face and I fall to my knees because there is no other possible reaction. The world will rejoice with us. We all glorify God.
God is so good and greatly to be praised.
Regarding this video, at the beginning of the year I started taking footage of my friends and family and especially david with the hopes of expressing myself and my love for them. My flip is now a staple floating around with random tubes of lipstick in the bottom of my purse. We pull it out in the car, in restaurants, on vacation and around the house. We captured this last weekend on a whim while walking the beach with our friend Kelly and her dog Walter. I edited the footage together in iMovie. (The song I chose was our first dance at our wedding).
I’m so thankful for the days right now of love, laughter, hardship, uncertainty and faith. I wouldn’t trade any of it. The needing. The hoping. The wishing. The praying. And even though there is still so much that I want, I know that today I truly have it all.
Comments
That is a beautiful video, I love the simple pleasures in life like moments like these.
I dont even know what to say… this video just leaves me speechless. Honest, real, moving, insperational— i can feel the love you two share for eachother. what an amazing song- beautiful!!!! Tears are rolling down my cheeck yet i find myself giggling a bit at your silliness
God bless you both, you deserve nothing but the best!
Amy, I don’t even know you, but I’m a huge fan of your work. In fact, as I begin my photography venture down here in Dayton, OH, I tell myself often that I aspire to be as gifted as you. I hope to save up for a workshop soon! Anyhow, this blog post and video about had me in tears, and I don’t even know you or David. But all thanks to God for his healing, and for the beautiful love the two of you share together. This is such a breath of fresh air and example to all of us of a Christ-centered relationship and the absolute beauty of it. Just gorgeous (and you both are such beautiful people!) Thank you!
Thank you for sharing your beautiful love with us. Also, thanks for reminding us that with God, ALL things are possible. I will also pray that BIG seemingly impossible prayer for David. He still does miracles, and I hope David’s doctors will have to say, “Only God could have done that!”
You and David are in my prayers! I have been following your blog for the last few months and am so inspired. God works miracles, and I just pray that He will work one in David’s life.
Okay, now I want one of those for my life. Loved it. Had to watch it twice. What a sweet and obvious love for each other, and life. Thanks for sharing this.
xoxox
You two are beautiful inside and out.
I shed a tear watching your video.
I will prayer for you two.
I am inspired by your faith & conviction.(and of course your amazing photography) You are beautiful all the way through. Such a sweet video! Praying for both of you!:)
amazing. i know exactly what your saying. i enjoyed a bike ride with my husband today. and, although he is chemo weak, we were small moment strong. i felt this video deep inside. i love it.
thank you. for this.
i get so sucked up into life, and sometimes i forget to stop and enjoy the beauty that surrounds me, and be reminded of where all that beauty and grace comes from. tonight i find it in your blog post, and it humbles me. it was something i desperately needed, but didn’t even know it.
Amy,
thank you for sharing. It is a beautiful video in which your LOVE is evident.
Love…
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things…
Here’s to needing Him! And God Bless you both.
i. love. you. alot.
amy. you two are beautiful.your love for eachother truly radiates. anyone would be damn lucky to be as happy as you two are. That video was so touching..I’m on the brink of crying, I don’t think norah jones helps this. Hope to see more of these lovely videos of you two and you eminent love
Beautiful. That video totallt made me cry. And I had to call my loverboy right away and tell him how much I love him. Thank you for reminding me that life is beautiful. Truly beautiful.
wow. there is not much a person can say by reading your post and watching the video -purely wow! you are truely an inspiration of gods love.
Beautiful and moving.
I just recently found your blog and your work is beautiful. I will carry you and your husband in my prayers.
“Delight thyself also in the Lord and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy ways unto the Lord; trust also in Him and He shall bring it to pass.” Psalm 37:4-5
Oh Amy,
Thank you for sharing this very trying time with us all. I understand how you feel…the needing of Jesus. Some days I can only hang on by knowing that one day, the needing will be gone and I will have Him. I will no longer long for His embrace, His smile, His voice. HE will be there, close enough to touch. Some days that’s all I want. Some days I can almost feel him. Those are good days, even if they’re hard ones. So, sweet sister, I’m praying for you and David every single day. I know you don’t know me, but we love the same Savior and I know will one day meet on the other side. That day the need will end and we will have the only One who really matters.
Waiting on Him,
Emily
Then he touched their eyes and said, “According to your faith it will be done to you”; and their sight was restored. Jesus warned them sternly, “See that no one knows about this.” But they went out and spread the news about him all over that region.
Matthew 9:29-31
I think you should put this verse all over your home and cling to it! David WILL be healed, Amy…it’s ALL according to our faith! God is so happy that you are writing about Him on your blog…yiiippeeeee!
it seems ridiculous really that a total stranger could say anything that might give you comfort.. but with all it’s awkwardness i say.. “You inspire me not only from a photography standpoint.. but from a spiritual level as well” ….. keep the faith girl.. we (all the people you hear from and do not hear from) are praying for you and David…..
Amazing! Just amazing. You two are deserving of this and so much more. Thank You for sharing your life with us, for opening up to people who really think of you two and care. God is sooooo good and awesome in ways we would only know he is. Continue to be blessed. Take Care. =)
Wow.
Just watching the first few seconds of the video ripped through my heart with all the love, hope and everything nice in between which exudes from both of you. Life is just full of unexpected surprises. Live the moment. Love. The moment.
God Speed!
that was amazingly beautiful. how fortunate we are to live in the technology age that we do.
Thank you for your honesty and transparency. How you have revealed what God has been doing in your life over the last several months has challenged me, convicted me and encouraged me. Thank you for allowing God to use your story for His glory. I am praying for you and David.
So beautiful, seriously I have tears in my eyes right now. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
Every time I read one of your posts I am inspired…inspired to know God more, inspired to draw even closer to my friends and family, inspired to live each day as though tomorrow may never come, inspired to breathe when this world tells me to keep moving. Thank you for being that inspiration…still believing and hoping for that miracle that only God can give. Blessings to you both
Thank you for sharing. Your strength and reliance is inspiring. I can’t wait for my husband to get home so I can throw my arms around him and drink in the moments I have with him.
Amy, this is absolutly beautiful! I smiled the whole time and laughed at the end when i saw the dog digging!
You and David are such a cute couple… thank you for sharing this with us! I want David whole too, for you. I go to the throne on your behalf!
I’m crying like a baby. You continue to inspire me…Love you both.
Amy, when I was reading this post for the first time I believed that tumor is gone! It was happy reality for me….I am more then sure now- EVERYTHING will be great in your lives and this is just about time….You both are so strong, so beautiful and you know what to do
I wish you the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Amy~
This was so touching, thank you for sharing - it was such a ‘dreamy’ video and so full of love & life! I pray that all your dreams come true and God will perform this miracle for you and David! God Bless you both!
Love, Kristy
beautiful. love you friend. praying for the next mri.
This was so beautiful and touching, I cried all the way through it, as only a mother would. You two are the most adorable couple!
Thank you for sharing your passion and love for each other with us.
Amy that is beautiful! Keep the faith, there are many of us praying for the same miracle!
I haven’t read the post yet, but just from the video my eyes are all watery. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
Amy, I’ve watched your photography for over a year now (which I love by the way)… but this is the first entry I’ve commented on.
i loved it….. and I’m praying for you and David, that His nearness would be your good. OH how we need to know that we need Him. I need more of that in my life. thank you for telling that to me again.
amy molina
what are you trying to do, make the whole world fall apart?!! this was breathtaking. you two are beautiful, and i don’t really mean on the outside.
Wow. Tears. That was beautiful. Beautiful post, and beautiful video. wow. I’m praying for you guys every day.
I’ve been following your blog for almost a year now. At first it was your photography (an I still love that by the way) but now it’s just your outlook on life and the inspiration you bring that had me checking it almost 4 times a week. I pray for David (and you) often. It’s funny, I used to do the EXACT same thing every night as a kid “Please God, don’t let there be any earthquakes, volcanoes, fires..ect.”…I had a big list! But I do know that He’s there, even if one of those “big things” happen, He’s there. =)
btw, I LOVE the boots you guys were wearing…:D…i want one too!…
You have a way with words, girl. Thanks for taking the time to share.
You remind me to be thankful and content. Thank you for sharing.
Omg, I’m at work crying… this is so sweet! God Bless you both!
*simply beautiful.still praying.
Thank you for sharing. I really don’t know how or what to say all that I am feeling. We all desperately need Him, you couldn’t have said it better.
Amy, I’ve been following your blog for nearly a year now. I love your work. Most of all, I love your openness here on your blog. From reading your words, I’m confident we practice the same faith. Thank you for living your life as such a living testimony to a God who is so capable. Please continue to share spiritual thoughts here along with your photos.
Absolutely beautiful, Amy. The video made my eyes sting with tears. You and David are absolutely inspiring.
That was beautiful, you both are so inspiring. May God Bless you & David. Truly, Angie
Thank you for writing so openly. It’s inspiring. I have always had trouble having complete faith in God. I overthink it. I don’t trust prayer enough. I want to, of course. Deep down inside, I want to pray without questioning how it works … how He works. Thank you for sharing your words.
Two young, beautiful people in love. Thanks for sharing your love for each other with the rest of us.
I love reading your blog!!! Your photos are inspiring and your candid, honest posts like these are such a blessing!!! Your faith and love for Christ is beautiful! That video was so touching…praying for your husband! We can be thankful for the prayer network that the internet provides!
Yay for blogging! Your photos are gorgeous and I was browsing to get ideas! A family I know asked this novice (me) to take photos for them this weekend! My first official “job”!
wow. this video made me get lost in your love. i love your heart of honesty and your heart of sadness. i hope god continues to give you glimpses every day of how much he loves the five year old inside who wants to trust and believe and hope for forever.
Kelly showed me this video at work on Friday and I was so happy she did! It’s truly beautiful…brings tears to my eyes! Hope to see you and David again soon…
Kelly
Wow! I truly love reading your blog. What a perfect video. Enough said:-)
oh how i do not really know you other than this blog and a as a child of God and I want to give you 2 a big ol’ hug! i love this video and the simpleness of you. it speaks so loudly!
The words you write are always just so absolutely beautiful and heartfelt Amy…you seem to have a peace that passes all understanding. I thank God that you can feel Him working in your life right now.
And the video - just amazing! What a candid, precious time you captured between the two of you. You have inspired me to begin videotaping again. I carry my camera everywhere I go, but many times forget about the video.
Even though I do not know you…and yet know that I will spend eternity with you there
I am so thankful for the way you share your faith in Christ! I am praying for your husband and I do hope that one day you will be on your blog sharing the story of how he has been healed by our mighty God. Until then…I pray that each day you will be content to crawl into the lap of Jesus and sit like that 5 year old child would, and trust that He knows what is best for us…I pray that for myself too!
He is in the business of making us more like himself and the more I realize that, the more I realize He will go to great lengths to make that happen.
Oh Amy! Thank you for sharing your heart once again with the world. I wish I wasn’t at work right now so I could go home and hug my husband. I loved the little video you made too. We are continually praying for you both.
Amy, I just wanted to let you know our thoughts and prayers are with you both. Together you will get though this…. one day at a time. You both are so very strong….. I am so thinking of both of you. thoughts and prayers, mary and Katelynn Inman
You two are beautiful! What a wonderful, touching video!
Wow. So, so beautiful Amy. Please know that you & David are in my prayers EVERY single night.
How beautifully touching. You are (both) an inspiration on many levels.
I”m sitting here in a pile of tears, joining you in prayer that God will work a miracle. I know He will be glorified.
just beautiful. love the tenderness that is so evident between you and David. and what a wonderful reminder to simply cherish the “now” times - the times when you hold your loved one close and dear. thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing the beautiful video about you and David. Jesus said to pray with out ceasing. If you read all of the New Testiment,Jesus never turned anyone away from a healing. He healed everyone who came. David’s healing was completed on the cross through the finished work of Christ. Jesus died for our infirmaties, sins and yes, diseases. He took everything upon Himself including David’s nasty tumor. To have faith as a child and to believe as a child is good, for Jesus said to come to Him as a child.
I remember when I first gave my life to Christ…I was in my early 20’s and a young mother at the time. I remember I wanted to get plugged in at the new church I was attending. I decided I would help out in the Sunday school program. The very first week, the Pastor’s wife called all of us together and said, here is what we are going to do. She went on to say that she had several words from the bible in a bowl, and we were to draw a word and then give a lesson on the word and what it meant according to Jesus’ time. I drew the word “Compassion” and with that, I was told I had to teach the following week. I said, I don’t even know how to use a Bible or where to find this word in the Bible. She said to get a Concordance and look it up. Concordance? What’s that? Well, I managed to get my hands on a Concordance and a Bible and away I went. I didn’t even know how to pray! I took the Bible and found the scripture Mark 1:40-41.look this up, the word compassion here means “Mitschah” in Hebrew, which means Shin-piece. I said “Oh, great, what does this all mean. I worried my self from monday right thru to Sunday until 1:00 Am, I then threw up my hands and said, God, I am new at all this, I have no idea why you would want to heal someone with a shin-piece, but all I know is I have no lesson for the kids tomorrow…I’m exhausted and I need to sleep, then I can at least be awake enough to tell the class what a failure I am.
During the night, I had a dream, a wonderful, beautiful, dream. I was sitting on the sidelines on the bleachers watching a soccer game between two teams of children. The ball was being kicked back and forth, when all of a sudden, I noticed it going extremely fast and hard towards one little girl. I thought, Oh my, she will get hurt. I notice that as the ball traveled down the field towards her, it began to take on a different appearance. It was ugly, evil, dirty, filled with sin, diseases, hatred and mallice and it was heading straight for the little girls Shin-piece. But as I looked at the little girl’s shin piece, it too began to change. They grew arms with hands that form a blocking movement to protect her against the blow. I thought, what does this all mean, just then, I looked up and saw Jesus coming a cross the field and He was walking towards me. He sat beside me and said, Dawna, I am your “Mitschah” your “Shin-piece”.I cover you daily as a Shin piece. I have taken the blow of every sin, every disease, every evil upon My self, that you would not suffer the devastating blows that sin throws at you daily.
I woke up and jumped out of bed, grabbed a poster board,markers and drew everything I saw. It was a most exciting lesson, as I demonstrated the shin-piece, the “Mitschah” to the children that morning. I never forgot it. I guess I tell you all of this so that you may know that Jesus is David’s Mitschah. He will protect David from the blow of cancer. Cancer is not greater then our Healer! The man with leprosy in Mark 1:40, said “if you WANT to, you can make me well again…what was Jesus response?…He moved with compassion and said “I WANT to…BE HEALED. Jesus moved with compassion…He moved like a Shin-piece and protected any further blows from leprosy so that the body could be healed. Jesus wants to be David’s shin-piece. AMEN!
Please know I will be praying for you both.Continue to pray like a child, and watch as our Father moves with compassion upon you and David.
God Bless,
Dawna
Beeeeaaaautiful. Thank you for sharing this and the story…praise God for good news and sweet love!
Blessings
Your video is great, yes…but it is your faith and love for God that shines in this post. It is so good to read someone who is at a point in their life where they are not afraid to be real. We will pray for David ….God bless.
As humans, we take life so for granted. All it’s preciousness and wonder we never view as God would have us to view. Thank you for letting us look through your eyes and see that wonder and making us crave the same. GOD BLESS YOU both on your journey. May the GREAT PHYSICIAN, our GOD, touch you and heal you as only He can.
Thankyou for this post.
Beautiful.
I just discovered your blog today and I am in tears reading this lovely, moving and deeply touching post. I have never met you (though I really wish I could now), but you feel very real to me and have been so inspirational. My mother had brain surgery earlier this year and my husband has been laid off since about the same time so this year has been full of much prayer, faith, and a letting-go-put-it-in-His-hands kind of a year for us too. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. It reminds me to be grateful and faithful everyday. Thank you again. That video was also just so beautiful…..perfect. Darcy P.
This is beautiful, Amy! Thank you for sharing. I will keep you and David in my prayers. God bless.
God Bless you both. Thank you for sharing your story.
What a beautiful and precious video to have of you and your husband! LOVED it!
I am sitting in tears…. I just found your site through another photographer’s twitter and I was hooked with the photos, I have been looking at it on and off for a few days. Well the more I read the more I love you! I am adding you to my prayers, and I find it totally AWesOME that you stand by your faith and are proud. Not sure if you listen to Christian music but if you get a chance check out JJ Heller if you haven’t already. The song HANDS by JJ is playing in my head while reading this post.
Dear Amy,
I was taking a quick coffee break this afternoon at my desk in my office in downtown Toronto, Canada and (PS. don’t let my boss know) I was browsing the net and stumbled across your blog..! How refreshing… and a blessing to boot! Your ‘Needing Him’ entry from last October was indeed heartfelt and very inspirational and I wanted to let you know that you have touched a complete stranger north of the border! (or I guess east from where you are to be more precise!) I do sincerely trust that David is well and I pray that God will bless you both with an anointed, joyful, healthy and wealthy 2010..!
By the way, there is a ‘t’ in the spelling of my last name, Wentzel; one of my uncles did quite a bit of research many years ago and found that most of the Wen(t)zel(l) derivatives came from ‘Wentzell’ in Germany in the 1700’s (Dresden in the case of my family) and that over the centuries the second ‘l’ and ‘t’ have been ‘lost in translation’..! So let David know that you guys have very, very, very distant kin in Canada; but then again we are all brothers & sisters (yes, I know it’s cliché(ish) and old fashioned) in God..!
Warm regards, François.
PS: Just so that you know I am passing your blog link on to my wife Petra, my son and treasured daughter-in–law, Alwyn & Destiny Wentzel (still happily married after two and a half years; or at least most of the time!) and my daughter and my son-in-law, Louise & Brian Potstra (still happily married after four and a half years..!)
You have encouraged me to video again. I love this sweet glimpse of the love you have for each other. Thank you for sharing it. And keep trusting God. We have been through much these past 18 months and I can testify that HE IS FAITHFUL.
I love the video!! Thank you for sharing! You both are beautiful!!