Thursday July 30th, 2009

Intervention

On the inside I feel like I’m strangling life.  Do you ever feel that way?  Like you are wound up like an eight day clock and you just CAN’T. LET. GO.  I’m so determined to be responsible and get everything done. Wtih the new pressure of finances and illness and becoming a better person than I’ve ever been, I realized today that even though I take relaxation time to walk or read, I’m still not resting.  I’m shouldering all of the burden and not giving it over to God. I feel like I have to carry it all and be strong.  I’m asking for His help but then I just keep carrying the load.  On the outside I may appear “together” but on the inside I am holding so tight to everything that I may as well be holding my breath and quivering like a person about to snap.  I’m simply emotionally strangling every issue that’s in my head.

David and I have been doing heavy research on the impact of nutrition on fighting cancer.  What we’ve discovered is astounding (although it’s certainly met with controversy from the medical community.  All of the oncologists told us not to even bother changing his diet at all. Enter our jaws hitting the floor).  As a result of our reading we’ve decided to switch to a vegan life style loaded with tons of fresh produce and juicing.  I’m going to try to be as strict about my eating as he has to be.  I don’t want him to have to do any of this alone. I’m excited about the change and all the benefit it will bring to our health and overall well being.  But it’s not an easy task in the beginning.  It was really overwhelming for me pouring over all the books and trying to make sense of the recommended diets for fighting cancer.  Even more overwhelming was walking into the health food store and being met with a an entire display of lettuce leaves, the names of which I could not even pronounce. And instead of being able to skip over them and head straight for the carrots, I actually had to (gulp) purchase the crazy lettuce and eat it.  As I steered the cart through the store trying not to suffer a vegetable induced panic attack, I could feel my determination and over-compensating kicking in.  Control this. Fight this. Beat this feeling.  DOMINATE THIS SITUATION!!!!   Then suddenly a funny vision popped into my head of Jesus approaching me calmly and soothingly like a cop negotiating a hostage situation,

“Amy…put down the vegetables.”

I envisioned him prying a bunch of swiss chard from my trembling, maniac hands.  In that moment of visualization a funny smile spread across my face.  God’s humorous way of bringing lightheartedness into my overly dramatic emotional scene.  And that’s simply when I realized, I need to take some deep breaths and quit being afraid that if I don’t hold it together I’m going to fall apart.  God has me.  He’ll see me through every task.  Even the ones involving taking vegetables hostage at Harvest Health.

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Posted by Amy on July 30, 2009 at 12:16 AM | Permalink |
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Tuesday July 21st, 2009

Exposed

Hello, my friends.  It’s hard to believe so many weeks have gone by since we first received the news about David’s grade 2 inoperable brain tumor.  Although grade 2 is the best diagnosis we could have hoped for as far as brain cancer is concerned, the inoperable part is very concerning.  This isn’t the type of thing that is just going to shrink from radiation and go away outside of a miracle of God.  The tumor is large, and the doctors have told us it will greatly shorten his life.  There are no guarantees and no promises.  We officially live in the land of unknown. I don’t dwell on these scary thoughts anymore.  But I was definitely dwelling there for a while.   I’m starting to feel a bit more like myself again these days but more like a slow motion version of what I used to be.  I joke that it takes me twice as long to do things and when I’m done I’m twice as tired as I should be.  I went through a dark depression for a few weeks and I’m slowly but surely awakening out of it. There is just so much information and feelings to process from being thrust so unexpectedly into an experience like this.  I think I’ve beat the world record for repeatedly cycling over and over through the the 5 stages of grief in the shortest amount of time.  I’ve finally settled into a wobbly place of “doing today” and not worrying about what may or may not happen tomorrow.  Anything is possible with God, and if we seek Him first and live our lives for others, God will take care of the rest.  But I can tell you one thing- those weeks of depression sucked beyond measure…that feeling where you just don’t even care if you shower anymore and you look so disheveled when you answer the door that even the UPS man looks at you with pity like he’s about to offer you five dollars and a sandwich.  People talk to you but you feel like you can’t even process simple sentences.  Those days where you find your toothbrush in the cat food bag and your car parked in the neighbor’s driveway. I think TLC could have started a reality tv series simply called “Amy’s Depression” that would have brought them ratings that rival Jon and Kate plus Eight.

The thing that strikes me most about this whole situation is that it has become so much bigger to me than even my husband having cancer.  That is just one piece of the puzzle of what God is doing with me.  The fear of losing the love of my life (and my whole world as I know it) has become the conduit for a large scale revealing of my inner self…my worst fears, my sins, my utter weakness, my selfishness, even the holes in my faith in God.  I am so exposed, naked and vulnerable. This situation has left me like Eve in the Garden of Eden, scrambling for leaves to cover myself.  And it’s completely horrifying.  I see and feel God reaching his hand into the deepest parts of me and digging around, dragging out my skeletons and cleaning house, saying “this and this must go.”  I now perceive so painfully my issues with abandonment, neediness and endless striving for acceptance.  I see how weak I am and how incapable I am of obeying God without the Holy Spirit working through me.  I’m dying a death of who I thought I was as a person, and having to accept the fact that without God I am nothing, a complete wreck and not at all who I imagined or wanted myself to be.  Of all the things I thought I was sure of in life, I realize I am truly sure of nothing.

I am simply made of dust.

I feel myself wildly and blindly holding God’s hand in a dark and unfamiliar territory. I can’t lean on the things I used to lean on anymore.  I’m having to learn to trust Him for things I haven’t always wanted to completely believe Him for in the past.  Like that everything He does is in love. That He makes me face my fears because He wants to heal me of them and set me free.  He shows me how weak and helpless I am so that He can finally make me strong through His might (and so I can get over myself already!)  It all sounds so pretty on paper, being healed, delivered and set free.  I’ve always prayed that I would be healed, delivered and set free, and even though God has been preparing my heart with the idea of suffering in our lives, I just didn’t imagine that it would hurt so much in the process and require so much more than I was ready to give.  That’s the frightening thing about following God with all of your heart.  It costs something.  But I can say one thing for certain, that I KNOW and BELIEVE that whatever God asks me to walk through, He will get me through it.  He will carry me with his own two arms to the finish line if He has to. He will fight for me and He will take me to the other side.  He is a God who is bound to his word. He is faithful and true to his children, and somehow, someway he will make me victorious in the end because I have asked Him to.  Even if I fall to pieces, He is a God who is bigger than any pain or any loss I could ever imagine.  He is bigger than it all and I am determined to cling to Him because I know he’ll be clinging to me right back. I know I’ll never be sorry I went with God.  This is all for a glorious and unbelievable purpose.  I’m learning not to cling so tightly to this earthly life, that it is just a passing shadow.  A dim reflection of things to come.

All this to say, my husband having cancer sucks and I hate it, but I would rather go through pain in my life and come out on the other side as a beautiful diamond than to never go through anything that brings me closer to God.  Yes there are days where I feel like I’m not going to make it.  Where I ask, “why God why?” and shake my proverbial fists to the heavens. There are times where I doubt and wrestle and collapse and fail and act like a brat.  But I pray that God accomplishes everything in me that He set out to do.  For those of you who are the praying kind, please pray that I will be faithful and press on.

“As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him.  For He knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.”  Psalm 103:14

“Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy.  If you are reproached for the name of Christ, blessed are you, for the  Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.”  I Peter 4:12-14

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”  Isaiah 41:10

If you want to read updates on David’s treatment you can check on his blog.  He’s been a much more faithful blogger than I have through the past few weeks, and I must say, much more upbeat too.  But if you would like to read my perspective of the situation and have a personal experience with my emotional throw-up,  you can keep on coming back here for more.

Posted by Amy on July 21, 2009 at 01:27 AM | Permalink |
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